Birth Mother

I have been thinking a lot about Emma's birth mother- it is really hard not to. A lot of people say that they feel guilty when they take their children home and have to leave China, the country of birth. I don't know how I will feel when that time comes, but I really don't think guilty will be what I feel. I think I will be deeply saddened that there is a part of my daughter that I will never know, and she will never know. She will have a long history of ancestors that we will never be able to tell her about. We can teach her about China, about her province, Chinese traditions, but we will never be able to tell her about her birth family.... mother, father, grandparents, siblings, etc. I don't know how that will make her feel when she is older, but it is something that weighs a little heavy on my heart.

I think it is just in my nature to want to know the "why". Why was she abandoned? I have thought about this over and over again and the only answer I can come up with and the only answer I will give her is "I don't know." I really don't know, and I will not pretend that I do. Was it because she was a girl? I don't know. Rick and I have talked about this and we feel pretty strongly that due to her cleft lip and palate, even if she was born a boy- the outcome most likely would have been the same. Was it because she had a cleft lip/palate? I don't know. Maybe that didn't bother her parents at all- but it is a medical condition that requires surgery. Did they have the money to help their daughter? I don't know. What I do know is this.... babies born with cleft lips/palates cannot nurse. What I also know is that many children are abandoned because parents do not have the resources to give their children the life they deserve. So, assuming her parents did not have much money- they probably did not have a way to feed her in those early moments. Babies with cleft lips/palates need medical attention and several surgeries throughout their lives and they probably couldn't have afforded it. Again, I don't know if this was the case with her birth parents, it is only an assumption.

So many people are quick to judge the actions of the birth parents. But, my heart really goes out to them. I don't think it is possible to give birth to a child and not feel an instant connection of love. If you aren't familiar with Chinese laws and economic struggles or even cultural norms.... it is really easy to judge the hearts of the birth parents. However, in many cases placing these children to be found is the greatest act of love and sacrifice these mothers can perform. It just makes my heart hurt to know that there is a woman somewhere in Southern China that is agonizing over the decision she made and wondering if her daughter is OK. I just wish I could find this woman to tell her that this beautiful little girl is going to a loving family, she will be fed, clothed and loved and given every opportunity possible. I want her birth mother to be at peace with the decision she made and trust that this was God's plan for her daughter's life... and hers. I know that when we are in Heaven, Jesus will be able to explain to Emma those early moments in her life, answer all her questions and that EVERYTHING will make sense at that time. My prayer is that Emma can be at peace with that herself and trust that this was her plan from the beginning of time.

When I first read Emma's report it said she was found at the gate of the No. 20 door to Chazhong Road of the Taijiang District. She was only a day old. When I read this, I was almost angry. A road????? But, a few days later I searched for that address and found that it was actually the entrance to a hospital. I don't know why, but I was relieved. Her birth parents knew she needed help, she needed to be fed and they put her somewhere where she would be found quickly. I know these people loved her. Their sacrifice has led us to our 4th blessing, and we will always hold a special place in our hearts for them.

I also find it interesting that I was pregnant with Timothy at the same time Emma was in her birth mother's womb. When I was paper chasing for the dossier it was for a little girl that was about to be born in China. It is funny how this circle of adoption works. One mother is faced with the most difficult decision of her life, the decision to abandon her child. Half a world away another mother is working so hard to bring THAT child into her family through adoption. Just goes to show you that every life has a purpose and a plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11